I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize