don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
