the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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