3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
