Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
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Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
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I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.