so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey