I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
