1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
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I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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