So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
