So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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