I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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