You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
