i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
