Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
