They should really pass out barf bags in church
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
