my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
