At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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