How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
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also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
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We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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