Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
