go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
