Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
