I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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