I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
