it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
