oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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