i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
