There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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