I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
