i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT