I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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