sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
