If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
