sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
