Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
