He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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