I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
