Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
