I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
