This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
