C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
