This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
