I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
