I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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