I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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