woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
