If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
