Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
