He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
