Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
