Umm I'm too high to move.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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