Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
