last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
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right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
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I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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