Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
