I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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