life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
