Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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