i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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