just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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